Maybe cos i cant take the blame. Perhaps, its cos i wont.

Sometimes i want to take you and hold you an arm lengths away
and then hurl all the words i'd soon never mean to say
and hope and pray that it'll dent that shiny exterior of charming perfection. I just want you to fall off the wall one day and break into a million peices just so that I can put you back together again. I want you to know that i want to feel like you are dispensable and replacable yet i cant feel that security and i hate it. I want to slap you so hard, slam you against the nearest wall or just shake you out of there. I want to see you naked in front of me the way you once were and know for sure that what im seeing is real. I want you to realise that sometimes i am so ready to walk away from you and the only thing holding me back is either the knowledge or the hope that you wont survive without me.
More often, i just want to hold you and hug you and tell you that i miss my friend.
More than that, i wish i could just tell you instead of hoping the right pair of eyes are reading this right now.

Of course, if all else fails i could staple your eyelids to your towering cheekbones and your brow so that you have no choice but to finally see. And when you are ready to come out from this foreign exterior, ill hold out my arms and finally be happy.
And i know this sounds childish, dont bother asking me if this is about you because "you would just know".
Strangely enough, more than just childish, that sounds a lot like you.

Shook It All Night Long

Ive got my mojo back.

Its BACK.

BACK

BACK

BACK with a blood curdling BANG :)

hee.

Moving on from the previous post, im apparently in a better state. But hey like i said, there are up days and down days.

Meanwhile, to that special friend out there.

I hope things clear up.

I know it sounds impossible now, but things always clear up.

And till then, ill help you see and feel and i dont want you to ever forget

that im here.

Me, your simple freind, with no perogative

except to make you smile and laugh the way

you used to a long, long time ago.

And to another special friend,

happy, happy, happy

birthday.

Its your last teen year.

Enjoy it.

Then again, i know you'll always stay

as young and free as you always have been for the past

12 years that i've known you for.

And I'm sorry if i dont stop to ask if you are okay often enough.

Most of the times, you help me to see the bright side of my life

and you keep me happy and laughing practically 90percent of our time together,

i forget you get upset too.

Im always here to lift you up when youre down.

It really is you who is the balloon in this relationship.

A big yellow balloon that makes my heart soar

and fills my throat with helium and laughing gas :)

Till i see you little pink frogs on the other side,

Much love,

the girl with the mojo back ( after so damn long ).

farah :)

Innerdemons

Im just so freaking tired. I cant handle anymore. And i keep telling myself that i cant handle it anymore but then i pick myself up and i handle it. But im sick of falling and picking myself up. Im sick of this very unheatlhy cycle. Im sick of hurting. Im sick of crying. And most of all, im sick of hearing but not listening. I cannot listen anymore. My ears burn. And i dont mean metaphorically.They hurt and ring. And all i hear when i lie down to sleep, is your voice. Your voice that is saying sorry. Or your voice that is saying youre hurt. Or the voice that is comforting me. I cannot listen anymore. And the hardest part of today is hearing you say that you feel that you have noone. Because i hate to break it to you, the only one who has noone is ME. I dont even know who I am anymore because ive invested all of myself into becoming someone who is there for everyone but absent from herself - if that even makes sense.

And the ironic thing is, i know that in say 4 hours time, ill be back to being a rock. And you'll be there, being sweet and loving, watching television with me. When in reality, both of us are seeing the show rather than watching. We hear but we dont listen. I speak but i dont articulate. Because its too damn painful. And because noone would want to know. Because everybody has they're own set of bloody problems and they DEAL WITH IT.

Im so tired of dealing with youre problem. Im sick and tired. And the worst feeling is not the sick and tired part. Its the i cant beleive i feel sick and tired. Its the guilt of feeling selfish. Because you are never selfish. Youre so damn selfless. But Im not you. And that sucks. For both of us.

The worst part of everything is that the only people i talk to about this are my freinds and im starting to fear that they might think you are a schitzophrenic paranoid nut. Cause you arent. You are nothing like that.

Youre just understandably lonely
and understandably under a lot of pressure
and understandaby upset.
And you're lovely and sweet and kind and funny.

I just want to see that im understandably broken.But im not.


Lord, I need air.


Breathe Me - Sia