Innerdemons

Im just so freaking tired. I cant handle anymore. And i keep telling myself that i cant handle it anymore but then i pick myself up and i handle it. But im sick of falling and picking myself up. Im sick of this very unheatlhy cycle. Im sick of hurting. Im sick of crying. And most of all, im sick of hearing but not listening. I cannot listen anymore. My ears burn. And i dont mean metaphorically.They hurt and ring. And all i hear when i lie down to sleep, is your voice. Your voice that is saying sorry. Or your voice that is saying youre hurt. Or the voice that is comforting me. I cannot listen anymore. And the hardest part of today is hearing you say that you feel that you have noone. Because i hate to break it to you, the only one who has noone is ME. I dont even know who I am anymore because ive invested all of myself into becoming someone who is there for everyone but absent from herself - if that even makes sense.

And the ironic thing is, i know that in say 4 hours time, ill be back to being a rock. And you'll be there, being sweet and loving, watching television with me. When in reality, both of us are seeing the show rather than watching. We hear but we dont listen. I speak but i dont articulate. Because its too damn painful. And because noone would want to know. Because everybody has they're own set of bloody problems and they DEAL WITH IT.

Im so tired of dealing with youre problem. Im sick and tired. And the worst feeling is not the sick and tired part. Its the i cant beleive i feel sick and tired. Its the guilt of feeling selfish. Because you are never selfish. Youre so damn selfless. But Im not you. And that sucks. For both of us.

The worst part of everything is that the only people i talk to about this are my freinds and im starting to fear that they might think you are a schitzophrenic paranoid nut. Cause you arent. You are nothing like that.

Youre just understandably lonely
and understandably under a lot of pressure
and understandaby upset.
And you're lovely and sweet and kind and funny.

I just want to see that im understandably broken.But im not.


Lord, I need air.


Breathe Me - Sia