Dear Friend,
I guess, surprisingly, im not going to disagree with half of your letter.
Most of what you said is true. I need to move past it. Maybe i chose not to work at that because its too emotionaly draining and right now this is all i can handle. Please understand. And i'm sorry i changed so much. Im sorry i've lost my exuberence. Im sorry im numb and mute. I wish things are different. But wishing deosnt get anyone that far. Accepting, on the other hand, does.
I know ive changed. Im not happy about it either. But im content and thankful its not worse. Coincidentaly, before i saw your letter, i was leafing through some things that reminded me of the past and i felt like i ran into a wall at some point and crashed. But, somehow, although i remember crashing, i dont remember when it got so bad. Its all a blur and i lost a part of me somewhere there. Im not entirely upset i lost a part of me though. Because, i gained a whole new facet to my personality. To my perspective. Perhaps, this newly found "facet" might just be more worhty and more important than the part of me that dissolved.
And, i am not second to anyone.Its not a matter of waiting .Its a matter of getting by - for now, because its not the time to mess up.Dont think im hanging on a line. Im not. Really. Just, trust me on this.
I know you want to help me. But, really im the only one who can help myself at this stage. I know you care and love. Thank you.
And as for me ignoring my feelings by burrying myself under books - i really have to disagree with that. Simply because, i do not chose to work hard. No, wait. I do. But its a mandatory choice. Honey, in the world i live, its do or die. My mother does not have the cash to send me to the UK to a medical college if i muck up my A's. God knows my father might be able to cough up large sums of money but i am not going to depend on him. You were lucky you beat the system. Please stop judging how involved i am in my work because you can only do that when you personally are in the system - which you aren't.I don't mean to sound harsh but your attitude towards my will and determination to keep myself excelling acedamicaly is really demoralising.Yes, i will take that break. When the opportunity presents itself. If i dont have the time to take that break, instead of reminding me how unfair the system is and how burnt out i am, perhaps, you could try encouraging me for a change.
I need your support. Really, i do.
And i know, you feel that by highlighting the things you surfaced in your letter is somehow a reality check for me - and by doing so you are rendering much needed help. But the reality is that i am living very much in the present and in reality. I know what the facts are. Most of the facts you laid down are true - and i've recognised them. But dont confuse my choice to push these facts aside for now in an effort to focus on my work as ignoring them. I notice them. I recognise them. But it is my choice not to change or act on them. Like you said, there is only so much i can do.
I am busy. I am stressed. I am burning out. I have changed. But lets face it. Its reality. It is what it is. And dwelling on it will get you and i nowhere.
That said,
i appreciate your letter and your concern. And your undying love and attention.
I love you.
You're a gem.
Take care darling.
Till june, then, eh?
Love, Farah.
