cracks

Its the middle of my two week study break and i really can't imagine getting through the next seven days and then braving the following 14 days of papers.


I'm worried sick that i'll screw this up.


I'm tired and sleepy and i'm sick of living on coffee, chocolatte, msg and syrup.
4 hours of sleep just doesnt cut it anymore.


The worst part is having to get up everyday and the first thing i see is the wreck that is my room. Piles of papers, textbooks, notes, files, pens and highlighters.
Having to get up with a perpetual migrane and a frown permanently carved on my face.
Having to convince myself that i CAN do this and will pull through but i am so damn sick and tired of having to talk to myself like this.

I am sick and tired of work. Everything has turned nauseating. Even Shakespare. Now - thats a feat. Even when im taking time off to relax, i end up wallowing in self pity and frustration.

I need a walk. But its late. Ugh.

This post is getting me nowhere.
And Jordan Sparks sound more cliche than convincing. One step at a time. Hah. There isnt any time left.


What have i gotten myself into?!
Of course it doesnt help hearing teachers - two weeks before my prelims, mind you - telling me that the reason im not doing as well as i should be is because i'm in the wrong stream and no matter how much work i put in, i will never get great grades because i should be doing arts.

Gee, great timing woman.

Im tired. I should go complete my physics.
I feel disgustingly fat, teary and tired.




help.

three

Animation and one hellava guy.

Now supporting,
Cuck Fancer.
Much love,
Farah

Toothrot

Dilemma.

BIG dilemma.

So BIG, i'm taking time out to talk about it despite needing to do Othello.

Dilemma : Mint gives me gastric.

Toothpaste tastes minty.

Just brushed. But now i'm hungry.

Solution?

Cheese Sandwhich in bed.

I.dont.care.

But then again, i should care cos my lil' cousin Hannah who refuses to brush before bed just got 4 teeth pulled out at one go cos they were rotting.

Fine. I'll just take a pill to get rid of my gastric.

Drugs always solve everything.

Heyhey the face of Asia (ahem) finally has a page on the global yearbook website. Check. It. Out.

http://www.theglobalyearbook.com/where_is_it_now.html

Much love,

Farah

Old Train

I hope this old train breaks down,

then i could take a walk around.

The term - along with my time as a junior college student is drawing to a close and i find myself (typically) too wrapped up in the present sore (prelims) to be too upset.

In fact, its a much needed break. I need time out to get in to the familiar bubble of work, work, work.

The cogs are in place. I just need a little jab here and a small poke there to get these wheels churning.

The night oil's buring and the midnight man has taken mr sand man captive - much to the dismay of my 'bright eyes'.

Last saturday, i took a bow in front of a beautiful, intimate audience whose infectious energy and thunderous applause reminded me that the decision i made was the right one and that i only gained from keeping to my word and staying in the play. The play deserved an audience. We deserved an audience.

But as the lights dimmed for the final time, i felt the house lights go off in the recesses of my memory. I felt the curtains weigh down in my heart as a chapter closed , shut.

I remained embittered and wallowed in self pity for 20 odd hours and true enough the call that always ( and always will ) reigned supreme strapped me right back onto the seat of fate. I am catapulting in slow motion, free-wheeling and tumbling across acres of lined foolscap and velvet oceans of ink towards freedom.

Today, i was finally sated. Finally happy and satisfied to know that at least you care. And i am so happy you took the first step to ask and talk and rehash before we all go our seperate ways. I was surprised this came from you but then again , in retrospect, you're probably the most sensitive to people's feelings. Dont worry, i understand completely - no hard feelings whatsoever. I dont think i'll ever comprehend this situation but it doesnt bother me too much anymore.

Thank you.

And, finally, the Globalyearbook arrived. Now, i have 72 hours to get things penned, pasted and printed. 72 hours to call the press and get them involved and 72 hours to make my mark in the global community.

Perhaps i should go into communications and be the youngest entrepenuer to start a company solely focused on the development of intercontinental internet liasons.

It already sounds impressive.

Here's to 7 fast terms that skimmed past but managed to create large enough a crater to equate at least 5 years prior.

Here's to a goodbye and a hello again on a whole different stage.

Prelims, here i come.

And see what there is to see,

Time is just a melody.

Much Love,

Farah

Because...

we dont know who we are.






you dont know who i am





i dont know what i want






you dont understand what i need





and because i dont love you.

Back.

Back to life. Back to reality.

Such a daunting song. It hasnt stopped playing in my head since i crawled out from under the covers yesterday.Despite being daunting, i must say its a much needed reminder.



I'm over the post production tristesse - afterall, as i mentioned in the post before, i know it isnt the end. Yet.



Anyway, i needed to take a break from Chemistry and from the mundane daily cavort with teachers, classmates, friends and pens.After roaming my usual virtual hotspots, i was surprised to find myself rather convinced that facebook and youtube can be quite nauseating if you come back to it after being away for a while ( a while being a week - boy, am i a junkie).

So instead, i decided to do some research on this seminar at Yale that my aunt mentioned she is going to be attending. I found myself very drawn and interested and in all honesty, quite envious that her company is funding the whole trip ( this being just one of the many she constantly goes for). The students at Yale along with over 150 Christian and Muslim leaders ( 9 Jewish guests too, i beleive) are at a workshop closed to press and public called " A common Word" which is a unique lead-up to an open letter published in '07 which centers around the common commitment of both faiths to God and neighbour. A statement from Yale Divinity School says that they beleive " If Muslims and Christians, who together comprise more than half the world’s population, can acknowledge mutual commitment to loving God and loving neighbor the boost to a dynamic and peaceful interdependence in our globalized world would be immense."

Farfetched? Or Revolutionary? Its up to you to decide i guess.

I was just enthralled by the enthusiasm and astounded by the fantastic responses that this workshop is and has been receiving. Not to mention the endorsements from political and religious leaders alike. I wish we have more of these in Singapore. I guess that would be farfetched. Then again, anything is possible. This workshop seems to be an a appreciated glimmer of hope for peace. Amitha and I were just talking there other night about how the prospect of bringing a child into a world so corrupt by our oun selfish and greedy intentions doesnt seem too tempting. Maybe things can change. Maybe they will. Who knows.

Oh well. I better get going. Mum is still out of town. Grr. But im sure she'll be back anytime soon.

Its beck to my Chem TYS. Adieu, adieu. :)

Much love,

farah

wreck

I'm an emotional wreck. I feel completely lost and torn apart in a tumultous tsunami that was supposedly the end. I feel so hollow inside. Just like how madam felt hollow. Empty and just very, very tired.

You know, i thought i'd come here and force myself to get it all out. Force it all out and feel that familiar fake sense of satisfaction when im done. When the truth is, all i would be doing is emptying myself further, losing myself in a facade of calm.

So, no. I am not going to hurt myself and tear myself to bits.

Ive got bigger things to move on to.
And its not my A's.
Its my life.

Yesterday wasnt the end.
It was not closure. Because closure is not painful.

Im sticking to this;
" If its not alright, its not the end. And in the end, it will be alright. And what is alright is for you(me) to decide."

We're not done.
I'm not done.
Im just learning.

Much love,

farah